As most of you no doubt already know, Apple is holding a media event in a few hours (10:00 AM PDT) to release new iPods, and possibly a whole lot more. Of note, the event, which Apple has dubbed “The Beat Goes On”, seems to be a reference to the final press release issued by The Beatles in 1970:

Spring is here and Leeds play Chelsea tomorrow and Ringo and John
and George and Paul are alive and well and full of hope.
The world is still spinning and so are we and so are you.
When the spinning stops — that’ll be the time to worry, not before.
Until then, the Beatles are alive and well and the beat goes on, the beat goes on.
- Final Beatles press release, April 10, 1970

You never give me your mooooney

This of course aligns perfectly with rumors of The Beatles finally making it to iTunes Store, after literally years of speculation. The road has been long and winding, but it looks like it’ll only be a few hours until customers can download digitally remastered Beatles songs on iTunes.

For live coverage of the event, MacRumors provides a comprehensive list.

Update: Event has begun Of note:

* new iTunes tonight
* ringtones support in iTunes
* new iPod shuffles in new colors, (PRODUCT) RED version
* new iPod nano, with larger screen, cover flow, games (Vortex, Sudoku), new colors, refreshed design, 320*240 screen, more capacity, video support, etc. (photo)
* current iPods refreshed with more capacity, thinner designs, redubbed “iPod classic”
* iPod touch, basically iPhone without phone functionality, thinner, has wifi, Safari… is making me kinda regret picking up on iPhone. Hum. Too soon? Also interesting that what Steve called “iPhone apps” (aka, glorified web pages formatted to fit the iPhone UI) now by default, becomes iPod touch apps as well.
* iTunes Store on iPod touch (and iPhone?) via wifi, so scratch one off the list
* so, no Beatles? darn. Ars reports, “Steve is being a tease by listening to Lennon songs”
* wait, wait, “One more ‘incredible’ part of this…”
* oh great, a Starbucks button when you’re browsing in Starbucks. Really?
* “Can now buy whatever song is playing at Starbucks with one tap of a finger” from Ars. Cool concept, but kind of a let down. Incredible my ass.
* Ars reports, “welcoming howard schultz, founder and chairman of starbucks to talk (played Paul McCartney in the middle there, Steve is such a tease)”
* motherfucker, my friend was right. iPhone 8 gig price drop, and if his source was correct, 16 gig to fill in the top tier will be announced momentarily. I hope not.
* yay, my month old, 8 gig iPhone still remains kinda cutting edge. for now. but Steve suddenly made it worth $200 less. people are going to be pissed. especially 4 gig owners.
* aaaand, no Beatles yet. burned.
* time to lick my wounds and buy more Apple products

Questions Raised
* how long until hackers open up the iPod touch / start adding native apps, including the iPhone mail app?
* with games on the iPod classics/nanos, when will the iPod touch/iPhone get them?
* since when does “one more thing” mean four more things?
* am I the only one who thinks the Starbucks announcement was far from ‘incredible’, and closer to ‘huh?’
* how are early iPhone adopters (the hardcore Apple fans who waited in line) supposed to feel about their models being cut, prices slashed, and the exclusive, sleek look and much functionality mimicked on a new iPod, just two months after its release? that’s a quick turnaround time to screw over early adopters, even for Apple.

On a more optimistic note, this holiday season is going to be massive for Apple with all these new iPods.

Updatea 2: And Steve offers all iPhone early adopters $100 back in an open letter… in Apple products, anyway. Nice gesture, and smart business move.

In case you hadn’t heard, the executives at NBC think they’re freaking geniuses. They’ve just figured out the secret to saving the company. It involves doing good business in a fantasy world that only exists in NBC head Jeff Zucker’s mind. Inside sources tell me that Jeff privately calls this realm Zuckerland.

In Zuckerland, Apple is a big, bad, bully, demanding so much of the poor, defenseless television networks that working with them no longer makes sense.

In Zuckerland, Rupert Murdoch is the nice guy who’s going to help NBC fight the bully, Hulu.com is the next YouTube, and NBC will once again become the premier purveyor of quality television broadcasting, on the backs of such promising hits in the making as “Bee Movie” inspired mini episodes that Entertainment Weekly calls “most promising” among NBC’s 2007 fall lineup.

In Zuckerland, customers on iTunes pay $4.99 per episode for NBC shows, which, though it may sound ludicrous at first, actually makes perfect sense within this fantasy world, because in Jeff Zucker’s mind, this is war with Apple, and wars cost a lot of money. So he’ll need some funding from all those hardcore customers on iTunes for the effort.

Hooray, I am the best CEO in all of Zuckerland

Of course, unfortunately for NBC, Zuckerland is imaginary, and the real world tends to operate on different rules. Rules such as, if you call out Apple wrongly for being a bully, their PR department will bite back, and reveal you for what you are: a greedy son of a bitch. Or, that Rupert Murdoch is happy to ‘partner’ with NBC on Hulu, but is not pulling Fox shows out of iTunes Store, because iTunes is sending Murdoch nice, fat pay checks every month in exchange for selling his shows. Or, that if you try to gouge your own fans, things tend to get ugly.

Over the past year, I’ve personally spent over $300 on iTunes Store purchasing NBC shows, including dozens of episodes of The Office, Heroes, and My Name is Earl. $1.99 per episode has felt expensive at times, but on the expensive side of fair, which is a price point I’m not opposed to paying, especially during stretches of high quality television. But apparently that ain’t enough for Jeff Zucker.

Part of me wants to write a nice letter to NBC to try to convince them to take this back. But the part of me with brains realizes that the letter would disappear into the Zuckerland post office, and never be seen again. So screw that. NBC has lost a customer here, and said customer has a feeling that things are only going to become uglier from here on out.

Which is a pity, because NBC has some really good, struggling shows, and I doubt this will help. So sign here if you think Zuckerland is a joke.

Update: This one’s almost too ludicrous to be true. But remember. In Zuckerland, even the seemingly mundane turns out to be almost depressingly misguided and unfortunate.

As my friend and fellow blogger, Gedeon Maheux, points out, it turns out that Hulu effectively translates to “cease and desist” in Swahili. The sad part is, it’s obvious that this is far from a self-deprecating joke, and simply another stunning display of rash and misguided decision making, courtesy NBC. It’s funny in the way The Office is funny, except these painfully awkward moments aren’t scripted. This is real.

I’m still holding some hope to the theory that this is all a massive publicity stunt and intricately planned, leading towards a finale featuring Zucker comically dancing off stage hauled off by a giant hook, followed by a retraction of everything that NBC has done over the past few days along with a public apology for humor in bad taste. Then we can all clap and pretend that this never happened. But I think I’m being overly optimistic.

Update 2: This is the part where the wrecked car on the side of the road that you’ve been staring at with morbid fascination while driving slowly past it suddenly explodes, rather unnecessarily. Predictably, NBC is entering damage control mode, but it seems to be a case of too little too late, with some extra bullshit sprinkled in, because, you know, it’s the Zuckerland national spice. Below, some key quotes, along with a personal translation that strips out the PR double talk. If you don’t want to wade through the BS, what’s left is the distinctive mix of paranoia, confusion and fear that is the mark of a corporation that doesn’t understand its customers, is backed into a corner, and is too chicken to fess up and apologize.

We never asked to double the wholesale price for our TV shows. In fact, our negotiations were centered on our request for flexibility in wholesale pricing, including the ability to package shows together in ways that could make our content even more attractive for consumers.

We asked Apple nicely to triple the wholesale price, for us. Because, you know, our fans deserve it. Making our shows more expensive makes them feel more valuable you know. And we also wanted to spread the good word about our shows by providing our fans an easy way to download related shows together, because we feel that the whole à la carte model Apple built iTunes around doesn’t serve our customers’ needs. But the bullies in Cupertino refused. Can’t you see?

It is clear that Apple’s retail pricing strategy for its iTunes service is designed to drive sales of Apple devices, at the expense of those who create the content that make these devices worth buying.

Sure, we get more per purchase than we do with DVD sales, and sure, we get a bigger share than Apple, but how does that make sense? WE’RE the ones selling Apple’s iPods. Can’t you see?

In addition, we asked Apple to take concrete steps to protect content from piracy, since it is estimated that the typical iPod contains a significant amount of illegally downloaded material.

The iPod is like, used by everyone. And we’re the ones who sold it to everyone, by like, making the TV shows that people watch on them. And most people who use iPods are pirates. And they’re watching our shows for free. So all we asked Apple to do was to only allow DRM protected videos to play on iPods, and they refused. Can’t you see?!

Recommended Reading
NBC Will Not Renew iTunes Contract (NYT)
Apple’s Response (Press Release)
Biting the Hand that Feeds You (Gedeon Maheux)
What Did Apple’s Five Fingers Say to NBC’s Face? SLAP! (Cult of Mac)
NBC wants more DRM, higher prices from iTunes: report (Ars Technica)
Daring Fireball
Apple to stop selling NBC Television shows (TUAW)
An Open Letter to NBC re: Leaving Apple’s iTunes Store (iLounge)
NBC ‘Disappointed’ in Not Negotiating New iTunes Pact (Bloomberg)

And if you liked it, digg it!

Or, as Apple puts it, “Hello, tomorrow.”

Back during the keynote at WWDC 2006, when Jobs and co were introducing (Mac OS X.5:) Leopard, I remember one moment when everyone in the packed room quieted down in a moment of anticipation. This was when Scott Forstall (who was at the time, speculated by the Mac press as being an heir apparent) was down to the final item on his initial ten item preview of Leopard features. Number ten. Time Machine. After letting its name build itself up through the audience over a few minutes of expert simmering and vague narrational introduction, Scott clicked on a little icon in the dock, and the screen fell away to reveal one of Leopard’s most guarded and revolutionary features: that all of our Macs, come October, will gain the ability to travel back and forth through our personal timeline in a mysterious and star studded realm that the people at Apple called Time Machine. Continue reading…

Update: Well, this is interesting. I wake up from a nap, and this post is on the digg front page. I guess something about this struck a nerve, I’m currently reading through almost 200 pretty heated comments, and I’m still not believing that this post has nearly 1500 diggs. Cool stuff!

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As we near the end of the month, the endings to three of Hollywood’s biggest modern megafranchises have come to pass. First was Spiderman 3, and let’s be honest, it kinda sucked. (Sorry Toby, but you ain’t Johnny Depp. You’re a good actor, but that doesn’t mean you can pull off “cool”. Don’t you EVER try pulling off goofy stuff like those venom suit scenes again.) Then came Shrek the Third, which sucked slightly less, or at least, had fewer scenes that had me crying in tears of pain, fear, and disappointment. (In all seriousness, the “venom suit” scenes in Spiderman may’ve seriously damaged my psyche. Am I the only one who imagined all the extras cracking up as soon as Toby Maguire walked beyond their line of sight?)

Yeah, you know where this is going. Because the Rottentomatoes score is kind of… well, disappointing, to say the least. And there’s only so much Johnny Depp can do to buoy the boat afloat. And hey, it’s a Bruckheimer/Disney movie. Of course they’re going to whore the franchise out. Or… maybe not. Because I have a surprise.

Guess what?

Pirates doesn’t suck. In fact, it’s actually pretty sick, in a good way.

Yes, Pirates is lumbering, and effects laden, and may be full of hack writing and ridiculously convoluted plot conventions. But don’t forget, that’s what made the first Pirates so balls out entertaining and fresh. The perfect blend of popcorn fun, and the rewardingly brainbusting plot twists that probably initially had studio execs crying tears of frustration. Then again, we’re talking the same execs who greenlighted a movie based on an amusement park ride. Which I would’ve vetoed. What do I know? (By the way Gore, if you’re reading this, how the hell did you get those guys to swallow this up? “Hey look, guys, I wouldn’t worry, the Nascar demographics will have fun too, even if they don’t quite get everything”?)

Pirates 2 had the formula slightly off, though I will say, after watching 3, I’m willing to forgive 2 for a lot of things.

Yeah, so anyway. To sum it up, it’s pitch-perfect popcorn fun. Look, even I still don’t believe it. So to convince myself that I’m not high off of Bruckheimer’s CGI fumes, I worked on a list. Here are ten reasons why Pirates 3 actually kicked ass:

Disclaimer: Spoilers ahoy.

1. Geoffrey Rush: The best part of the trailer to this movie is when Captain Barbosa is cackling as his ship careens towards Calypso’s whirlpool. How ridiculously badass is that? Please, give this guy an Oscar. And Geoff, if that Oscar doesn’t work out for you, I give you the Phill Ryu Award for “Most Badass Portrayal of a Pirate Ever” award. Congrats. (By the way, it was totally sweet how you stole Pirates 2 with about two seconds of screen-time. Thanks for popping in at the end and making us all realize how much Pirates 2 kinda blew without you.)

2. Being Jack Sparrow: One of the most hilariously inspired scenes in movie history is in Being John Malkovich, when John enters his own mind. Ok, so imagine that scene, but with Jack Sparrow. Tons of them, babbling at each other, arguing, shooting each other in the face. Ludicrous, hilarious…. and pure awesome, bottled down to its natural form. Yes, it’s Johnny Depp metaphorically jacking off, but you can’t blame him. I mean, hey, who doesn’t love Jack Sparrow and his rum problem. Pirates 3, particularly said scene, begs the question, can you really have too much of Jack Sparrow? (The answer, of course, is a resounding no.)

3. The Tell-Tale Heart: Davy Jones… where to begin? Let’s forget about the state of the art CGI for a second, and ignore that pretty, tentacled face. We find Davy Jones with his heart held hostage (literally) in Pirates 3 to the evil East India Trading Company, having been forced to kill his beloved pet, the Kraken. And it only gets more complicated from there. But by the end, Davy Jones is one of the most sympathetic characters ever displayed on screen in a popcorn flick, with MUCH more depth than a blockbuster movie villain deserves. I’m talking Darth Vader depth. (Speaking of which, watch out for that slimy India Trading Company dude, Lord Beckett, just when you think he couldn’t get slimy enough…. he redeems himself. And it’s awesome.) By the way, Davy Jones also gets possibly the single most badass scene in the movie. You won’t be believing it as it happens, second by second. You’ll be shitting yourself. I won’t ruin it for you. (However, I will say, if you’re all icky about squids, prepare to be traumatized.) And as sick as it may sound, man am I craving some calamari right now.

4. Backstabbing and plot twists by the barrel. You savvy?: There’s so much backstabbing here, and so many unexpected twists and turns, that it honestly, at times, gets overwhelming. And this is probably the most common claim leveraged against the movie by its critics. But don’t get your panties in a bunch like them (who, by the way, I tend to agree with, at least about Shrek and Spiderman). However, that having been said, believe it or not, the twists and turns do work out. (Mostly.) I’ve seen the movie twice, and it does make sense; a lot more sense the second time around. And, you know what? I love movies that require a second viewing, books that I pick up again right after finishing the last page. I wish I could erase my memory and watch this movie again, fresh experience, because the twists and turns had me at the edge of my seat for nearly three hours. Remember the climactic back and forth plot hilarity in the first movie involving the titular curse? Remember how those sort of hijinks SHOULD’VE happened but didn’t in Pirates 2, with Davy Jones’ curse and the Kraken? It happens in spades here, and boy is it fun.

5. More pirates: And that’s totally a good thing. Because, remember the golden rule of yarr (which, admittedly, I just made up): More pirates equals more badassery. Chow Yun Fat is incredibly badass as an Asian pirate lord, but honestly, the number of badass pirates in this movie approaches a point that I can only describe as ludicrous. And believe it or not, no, Chow Yun Fat is NOT the most badass of the new pirates, even though Chow Yun Fat IS the most badass living Asian currently in existence. Chew on that for a bit. The crown for the most badass new pirate goes to…

6. Keith Richards as Jack Sparrow’s dad: ‘nuf said.

7. The Pirates universe: What other movie could possibly dare to feature monkeys in rice farmer hats setting off fireworks in a pirate den in Singapore, pirate warlords from the corners of the earth banding together under the pirate’s code, the visual spectacle of the giant, rotting corpse of the Kraken, and Barbosa cackling as the Black Pearl plunges towards the whirlpool, meanwhile making gazillions of dollars at the box office and jumpstarting the careers of dozens of Johnny Depp impersonators? What a perfect mix of ridiculousness, fantasy, badasses, and humor. See, one reason why this all works, is because it doesn’t take itself too seriously. Which brings me to point

8. Humor: It’s still there. Blink, and jokes will fly by, visual or verbal. The humor is often hilarious, and almost always on mark. I can’t think of a single really painfully bad joke in there.

9. CGI set pieces: I mean, obviously they’ve gotta be there. Here’s how Jerry Bruckheimer might’ve proposed one of the movie’s big fights.

“I want a fight with hundreds of badass pirate ships firing on and boarding each other. I want Davy Jones and Jack Sparrow dueling it out in the middle of this fight, with Davy’s CGI tentacles playing a pivotal role, and lightning striking left and right. And I want all of this going on in a giant whirlpool, that’s sucking these ships up.”

Glad I wasn’t the effects guy in charge of that.

The set pieces are sweet, and even considering my expectations on that front (very, very high), they more than deliver. Forget about Pirates 2, this is the real deal.

10. An ending that doesn’t suck, or drag far longer than it has any right to, just like this bullet item: Yes, it has a long ending. And yes, long endings in general suck. Hey, I loved Return of the King, but the extended ending just became painful. Only reason I was able to keep my cool while sitting through it was because Peter Jackson poured his life into it, and hey, I’ll give the man 20 minutes to putz around before really finishing it off. (If it isn’t clear, I thought ROTK was a pretty classy finale to an awesome trilogy.)

The good news is, Pirates ends well. Honestly, it ends gracefully. I kept alternating between “I hope this doesn’t end”, and “Oh sweet, I hope it ends on this sweet note” about ten times. That’s a great thing, and ultimately why I left the theater glowing, sat down, and wrote this. There is rarely a better feeling than seeing such an epic quantity and range of loose ends neatly, masterfully tied.

By the way, THIS is how you end a mega franchise. Hats off Gore Verbinski, and for not dropping the ball like, um, everyone else this month. You may be a hack, but you’re the best of the class. The hack to end all hacks. Bravo.

PS, how hilarious is it that while this movie definitely cements Keira Knightley as our generation’s “it” girl (wait until you see her in the film’s last few minutes, yowza), Orlanda Bloom’s potential chance for sex symbol status gets shafted by a Keith Richards impersonating Depp? Then again, I also consider Orlando Bloom to be the luckiest man in Hollywood, and possibly the luckiest man alive. Two mega franchises without acting chops? You and Gore should team up on another movie. And I’m not even kidding either. I’d watch it. And since I love giving out fake awards, Orlando Bloom, take honor in receiving the Phill Ryu Award for being “The Luckiest Sonofabitch Alive”.

PPS, yeah I realize I already screwed up. Say hello to reason #11 why this movie kicks ass: the soundtrack. Mad props to Hans Zimmer, definitely his best since Gladiator. Though a ton of credit goes to Klaus Badelt for the original movie soundtrack. (Who is this guy, Klaus?)

PPPS, the more I think of it, the more I realize Gore Verbinski is, in his own, hack way, a genius. Why? I came out of Pirates 2 last summer absolutely disappointed, and thinking it was sort of shit. And a lot of people agreed with me, but whatever, the movie still made bank. But now, despite what I still recognize as huge, huge flaws, I’m starting to feel an affinity for Dead Man’s Chest because of this movie. Maybe it wasn’t actually that bad. I’m gonna have to watch it again. Crazy. And I suppose, here I am, harping about Pirates

Agree? Or disagree? If you have some strong opinions or intelligent thoughts, feel free to comment, and digg it if you enjoyed the article. Oh, and shoutout to Will for the cool images.